I’m a Failure.

I am a Failure.

I am a lover of causes.

The things I am most passionate about …

(education/knowledge/info, cesarean awareness/prevention/recovery, water cathcment/preservation, Green living/community/diplomacy, Women’s rights/feminism/loving people/equality, frugal/independence/anti-consumer) etc. …

... are often what I struggle with succeeding at personally.

 I am determined & a hypocrite.

I dropped out of college. 

  • I threw out my application to colleges like University of Chicago & Cornell. 
  • I was accepted to a bunch of schools & never attended them. 
  • So, leaving a community college for a janitor position & becoming a McDonald’s worker was the farthest thing from what I expected of my early 20’s
  • I supported: No School for Sam

 

I don’t have a career. I still haven’t a way to provide for my family.

 

I was cut twice.

  •  Once in 2007 in the form of a cesarean. The second time in 2010 with an episiotomy for a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC). 
  • The sound of “caaawhrrannsh” is embedded in my memory. Makes my whole body wince. Now I know why they call it “the most unkind cut”.
  • I know in my logical brain that these are not failures. I know in my logical brain that “birth matters”. The scars on my body, they don’t know that. These often seem like two very opposite realties. I think there will always be a part of me that sees these as failures even as I work my hardest to heal (holistically). Even as I help others accept their birth experiences.
  • Personally, I’m okay with that. Know that you can be okay with loving & hating the same event. Know that I’m okay with you loving or hating your experience.
  • I Support the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN).

 

The people closest to me make anti-feminist & anti-LGBT jokes. It makes me feel powerless. I makes me feel like if my own blood doesn’t respect me then who will?

 

My condos don’t recycle. They don’t allow line drying. They don’t allow gardening. They spray the grass w Roundup (Monsato is evil). They scammed hundreds of residents in “renovating” & the developer refuses to pay for safety issues by instead using our $ to pay for his work. (I still pay for assessments, why?). Being patient & cordial has lead to my lawyer saying its a loosing case & my neighbors giving up or moving out (most foreclosing & filing bankruptcy). They send workers to harass you until you give up on making a community. 

  • These are all things I’ve tried changing. I have to save what recycling I can and borrow a car to drive to a collection. I walk around my building and pick up litter.I line dry when I can on my balcony and haven’t receive any more fines.  
  • The management comes to the door and threatens you if you try making positive changes.  Neighbors threaten shooting you if you ask them to turn down the music. They consider suggestions “trouble making.” Guess I’m guilty of compromising to make a community.
  • The people selling drugs on the corner, the guy who leaves his dog’s poo on the entry to the building, the neighbor/manager who comes pounding on your door to verbally threaten people who complained about her breaking the rules, the squatters who break into abandoned units- they aren’t the trouble makers?
  • I’ve decided that this is the way this condo association wants to live. I can’t continue to put myself in danger. I will not make suggestions or do free work for people who will not stand up for me. I am making community somewhere else. I wish this was home sweet home. I recognize this is not my neighborhood.
  • I support American Raintwater Catchment Systems Association ARCSA

We eat out. 

Being a failure was my biggest fear for 25 years. 

I’ve failed. I’m still alive.

Conquered that fear? Success. ?

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About anderzoid

Life is Bittersweet. God is love, the rest is minor. Ever evolving. Incorporating the ancient & alien into the home environment.
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