I am a Runner to I am a Mother.

I am comfortable in the “I am a runner” category.

Even during the past 3.5 years, when the most I ran was after my toddler, I still called myself a runner. There is some strange breed of human that finds pure joy in running.

Running is a part of my life I LOVE.

In my head, taking away running was taking away my freedom. That is kinda what happens when you accept the responsibility of caring for another human. As a parent, you sacrifice your freedom to that growing child. It was a struggle…

During my first pregnancy, I became too sick to stand & then see because of pre-eclampsia. Obviously, I stopped running. It was an easy decision as I couldn’t hardly walk the distance prescribed to me from my horrible OBs (I have different ones now & also a midwife).

After my Unnecesarean, I had so much fucked up scar tissue that, any movement caused shooting pain. Running was immensely painful. Holding my 5lb 8oz baby was challenging. Lovely, I know 😦 (I have since begun chiro & therapy to help). It literally was so uncomfortable that I talked with my new awesome OB who suggested physical therapy.

At this point I had not met my ICAN group (International Cesarean Awareness Network) & had no idea there was binding, self massage, healing foods, PT, & massages, & scar tissue break up w US, & myofascial release, & MAYA Abdominal therapy, & Chiropractors w Webster technique, Or ISA Herrera’s book •Ending Female Pain•, to help my body heal after pregnancy & childbirth.

All the changes of motherhood had taken a physical & mental toll on who I thought I was. Looking back I can be glad because it challenged me to develop into a stronger women.

In the midst of the transition into motherhood, not being able to run was the symbol of all things I did not know how to handle about becoming a mom/ adult. Frankly, life seemed to halt.

There was no running for 22 months.

Eventually, I gained momentum in other areas of my life.

During that time I was working on what I consider my proudest successes. I became a mother. I breastfed my son. I overcame Post-Partum Depression. I took care of my family & myself. I ate healthy & balanced. I started counseling. I prepared for a VBAC.

There I was, pregnant, again. Guess by now I could definitely label myself a MOTHER! I won’t lie, it was just as difficult going through the mother transitions this second time as it was the first time

My entire family had worked hard to prep for baby number two. I knew I would continue my healthy habits during pregnancy. I knew this would mean that I’d have to allow my body enough time postpartum to heal & that would mean probably modified habits for minimum of 9 months & about 18 months for my body to return to its pre-pregnancy form. I knew I wouldn’t be lookin to loose weight but instead I’d be working to maintain healthy lifestyle inorder to nourish myself and baby. I knew being Mom was an awesome blessing. My heart leaps & skips & jumps that I can label myself a mother.

With all these new tools, why do I keep going back to that need to RUN?

This has me asking: will I ever be content or will I keep comin back to my old habits? Will I keep looking back? Am I still heading forward? Am I not as willing to sacrifice for the better as I thought I was? If I cannot let go of those desires, will I become resentful? and on and on…


What have you had to give up to get what you wanted? Where you able to accept that change?


About anderzoid

Life is Bittersweet. God is love, the rest is minor. Ever evolving. Incorporating the ancient & alien into the home environment.
This entry was posted in eating disorders, Post Partum Mood Disorder and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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