Either way, any option, other’s (I’m praying my husband & family) are gonna have to take care of these precious children, be it Me here (gone crazy) or me gone (in one form or another). I guess that’s not so bad. Ive spent a better part of this year hanging out with grandparents, teachers, & nannies who do a great job fostering a happy environment. I shouldn’t doubt the same would be true for my own.
I just wanted to give them the best. I wanted to give them all the attention & love I could so that they’d have a great start in life. I had hoped that in always being here (quite literally ) then they would grow up to be confident adults, willing to make risks for a greater good, when I no longer would be there to advocate for them.
In becoming a mother I had this unquenchable desire to witness every moment of my children’s lives. I had hoped I could be there to give them a big hug & reassure them they were perfect, when doubt would likely come testing them. Kiddos, you are -absolutely perfect & unique-.
I think I finally give up hoping for the impossible. I cant be there for them. This is where faith comes in. I have faith in God & my children. They will be okay.
I had hoped that I could do Waldorf with them as littles. I saw how powerful my children’s imagination was. Little boy is starting to create jokes & stories. He transforms the most otherwise mundane objects into the extraordinary. Popsicle sticks & pens become characters in his own world. Little girl babbles at herself in mirrors & hums peppy toons upon waking. If I knew how to support that creativity, to let it blossom, id be so blessed to witness their growth. Can you imagine what amazing solutions they will create for their future?!
I had hoped to teach my kids the organized thinking of Montessori but my brain is so scrambled I cannot verbalized or demonstrate any skills. I’ve had a blast witnessing their discoveries. I’ve been blown away by their immensely open hearts & open-mindeness. I envy my son’s natural curiosity & his quiet observations. I giggle in delight at my daughter’s socialness & bright smiles.
I had hoped to expose them to art & cultures & beautiful religions. I once enjoyed experiencing other’s lives & passions. I believed we were one people. I believed that all we had (knowledge, belongings, culture, love) was a gift to be shared. I wanted to pass on that all people are worthy. All life is precious.
I guess the more realistic hope is that they be able to grow up- that I’d not be the one hindering them. I’ll have faith that God will guide them to love him & they share that love with people.